Day 2: The Patch Experience

As I get better at this, these will be shorter, but right now I'm still trying to figure out what is the best format.

So far today, I've done as little as possible. It took me FOR-eh-VER (Yeah, that was a Sandlot reference...deal with it.) to get to sleep last night so I woke up around 2pm and began my task for the day: putting a patch on the inner thigh of my one and only pair of jeans.

For those of you unaware, I am a "full-figured" woman, which is the nice way of saying I have a fat ass. I'm telling you that, to tell you this: Jeans are the most expensive article of clothing in my closet, the only thing that even nears it's almost 100 dollar price are my bras which is a story for a different day. I can only assume that the reason the textile industry can get away with selling plus size jeans at such a high cost is due to the fact that there is a common belief among the execs of these companies that all fat people are rich. Well guess what Lane Bryant/Torrid...this isn't the middle ages. Body weight is not a reflection on one's personal financial status. So due to all of this, I can afford exactly one pair of jeans. When I realized I needed a new pair, I dragged my friend to Lane Bryant and tried on approximately 20 pairs of jeans before settling on the boot cut "Right Fit" brand of jeans.

So I'm sure after reading that, you, like myself can understand my ultimate frustration when the worst things happened. (Well, not the worst thing. The worst thing is eating jalapenos and then giving a public speech on horseback, but that's another story) I stepped up to get into my mom's mini-van and I heard the loudest ripping sound and immediately felt a cool breeze on my inner thigh that I had not previously been there. UGH! NO! Curse these curvy thighs of mine that rub together so much that they create enough friction to literally cause fabric to disappear. After my initial anger subdued I realized the only logical thing I could do, on account of me not having the 78 dollars to buy a new pair, was to patch it up.

I decided the best way to explain this experience was through a picture diary.


The brand of patch:
The jeans pre-washed:
I really had no idea what I was doing when I embarked on this, but I figured, how hard could it be. Now when I got to Wal-Mart to get my patch, they really didn't have many options, so I got the one above because it was less material and cost me $1.17.

Step 1: Read the directions:


I know it's kind of hard to read, but the first step it says is to wash the jeans. Which seems logical but my first thought is: If this material is delicate enough that my thighs can cause this, what the hell is my mother's second hand washing machine going to do to it?!? I called her to consult and she said something to the affect (or is effect??) of, "Wash the damn jeans, Andrea, and quit calling me at work." I put the jeans in the washer and dryer against my better judgement and to my surprise it wasn't that bad.




Step 2: Preheat Iron and Cut Patch to Desired Size

<< Iron used. This particular iron did not have a "dry cotton setting" per the instructions but I simply guessed on the temp and didn't put any water in it. COTTON AND DRY

Original size of patch: measured about 4" x 6". The thought did >> come across my mind as to why someone would need a patch that big, but like I said, it came even bigger, so I'm clearly not the only person with this problem, nor the biggest person.

I cut the patch to about 1.5" x 3". Now the directions said to cut the fabric to the desired size and shape, but I was unaware what my desire should be. I want it to cover the hole, but my question was how much bigger should it be. I tried to call the number on the back of the package, but there weren't any options for questions on use, so I just did what made the most sense to me.

Step 3: Iron on. The directions say to hold the iron on the patch for 30 seconds. Not approximately....just 30 seconds. I really hate unclear directions, but even more so I hate directions that are so exact that they don't allow any kind of wiggle room. What was I supposed to do? Set a timer? I guess the average housewife doing this probably has some kind of egg timer, but I do not. I just counted in my head 1, one thousand, 2, one thousand, 3, one thousand and so on. This turned out to work just fine, but even so, my mind wandered into a land where the iron burned the apparent fragile material that my jeans are composed of.

The finished product:

It really turned out quite nicely, although I'm sure it won't last long, maybe that's why you get such big pieces of patch. I better save those for future attacks on my jeans by my thighs.